The Overwhelm of Motherhood
Being a mother can be overwhelming
With all of the expectations we have heading into motherhood, women have a hard time sometimes embracing the fact that we are not, in fact, superheroes. We foster unrealistic expectations of what we can achieve based on societal views of what "good mothers" are. Yet we don't fully prepare women for the impact of a traumatic and destabilizing event like Childbirth. Nine months is not long enough to prepare to have your life completely changed even if it is a good change. As mothers we still hold on to beliefs that we're supposed to keep the house clean, go back to work, cook from scratch, avoid all the wrong foods for our kiddos and ourselves, automatically know when to start feeding what foods to baby, attend all the doctors visit, keep them entertained with the right play and engagement, all of this while sacrificing our individuality, our sense of self and trying to heal our forever changed bodies.
Moreover, our emotions are all over the place when we're new moms, and not every mother's experience is the same. Some women grieve who they used to be and the life they used to have. Some women feel like they've finally found their purpose in life. Still, other women can spend their entire pregnancy waiting for baby just to feel shocked to not experience the emotions they were expecting. There are women who have a hard time bonding with their little ones, and some women who experience unbridled joy and feel overwhelmed with love. Others are fearful and anxiety-ridden, and still others feel overwhelmed by everything and shut down entirely, finding it hard to get out of bed. Whether you're joyful, overwhelmed, or whatever it is you are experiencing, it's okay, it's normal, it's natural and your emotions and experiences are valid.
With all of the expectations we have heading into motherhood, women have a hard time sometimes embracing the fact that we are not, in fact, superheroes. We foster unrealistic expectations of what we can achieve based on societal views of what "good mothers" are. Yet we don't fully prepare women for the impact of a traumatic and destabilizing event like Childbirth. Nine months is not long enough to prepare to have your life completely changed even if it is a good change. As mothers we still hold on to beliefs that we're supposed to keep the house clean, go back to work, cook from scratch, avoid all the wrong foods for our kiddos and ourselves, automatically know when to start feeding what foods to baby, attend all the doctors visit, keep them entertained with the right play and engagement, all of this while sacrificing our individuality, our sense of self and trying to heal our forever changed bodies.
Moreover, our emotions are all over the place when we're new moms, and not every mother's experience is the same. Some women grieve who they used to be and the life they used to have. Some women feel like they've finally found their purpose in life. Still, other women can spend their entire pregnancy waiting for baby just to feel shocked to not experience the emotions they were expecting. There are women who have a hard time bonding with their little ones, and some women who experience unbridled joy and feel overwhelmed with love. Others are fearful and anxiety-ridden, and still others feel overwhelmed by everything and shut down entirely, finding it hard to get out of bed. Whether you're joyful, overwhelmed, or whatever it is you are experiencing, it's okay, it's normal, it's natural and your emotions and experiences are valid.
Why it can feel so overwhelming
We weren't supposed to do it alone. Humans are community-evolved creatures. For centuries, mothers didn't have "handbooks" to get through pregnancy or parenthood. (and let's be honest the handbooks we have now are written with limited viewpoints and experiences that do not cover all of the possible experiences we can have.) We now live in a world where our "communities" are disconnected. We used to raise our children in closer proximity to family and friends, In just mere decades we live thousands of miles away from those who are closest to us. While some parents still live closer to home, society makes it so much harder to ask for help than it used to be. So for many who have family close, and for millions who don't, It might feel different and more isolating to be a parent.
We get a one-sided view about parenthood from television and movies. For years they didn't show us overwhelm, breakdown, stress, and isolation. So, it was hard to see when those things were happening to us, that they were very normal. Instead, our society has placed a heavy burden on mommas. When you are burned out, overwhelmed, and need a break where do you turn when having a child is supposed to be "joyous and an amazing gift." How can we admit that we need help from our community when society makes us feel like we are less of a woman or a mother for asking for help? What do we do when we're feeling overwhelmed, isolated, and don't have a robust support system that helps us remember that we are whole people who need love and nurturing too?
Overwhelm in the body
It might be hard to tell you're in a state of overwhelm. The truth is though, your body will tell you. Here are a few things to look for to determine whether you're overwhelmed.
Your heart is racing, and it feels hard to breathe, your chest or body feels heavy and you feel stuck, or like you need to escape something. These feelings indicate that your fight or flight response is ON, and that drive you feel to escape is your body telling you to flee - your heart is racing because your body is preparing for the physical response to how you're feeling. When you feel this, take a few deep breaths - focus on your breathing, in and out - breathe in for 7 seconds, hold for 7, and out for 7 (it's okay if you can't do the full 7 seconds at first.)
If you're experiencing body pains, dizziness, or feel like you're constantly sick - it could be a sign that you're under chronic stress (and who wouldn't be, you recently created a whole human being and now you're raising one!) It's helpful to take a step back during these moments, ask for help to take a break, and take some time to work with a reputable therapist who can help give you a different perspective, as well as coping mechanisms that can aid you in stress relief. Additionally, physical exercise is known to lower cortisol levels (the most well-known stress hormone) so if you're feeling up to it, go for a walk. (Sunshine helps us too!)
Overwhelm in the brain
Our emotions and brain chemistry are affected by childbirth. Studies are finding that women's brains take years to return to normal size, chemistry, and functioning post-childbirth. Some have found that there may be indications that some changes to our brains may endure well into the future, or may never go back to pre-natal sizes. There's still a lot to learn about our brains, especially related to having children, but the fact is that it's normal for you to experience emotional and behavioral changes such as moodiness, crying easily, and irritability. Those are all symptoms of stress and let's face it, the first few years of having a child is nothing short of stressful. Take a step back, observe your thoughts, and try to find a sounding board that challenges you to think about your stress-related thoughts a bit differently. (I love the re-frame method which I talk about here: https://stephaniekunkel.com/mental-health/taming-the-mean-girl/ )
If you're struggling to focus or to find the motivation to do even the things you love it might indicate that you're not getting enough sleep (No surprise there!) or that your body is telling you that it's time for some relaxation. But how can you relax when there are a million things to do??? Writing lists and setting up schedules can help manage focus and motivation... but if you're experiencing this to the extreme, and you're wondering how you'll find the energy to write the list or create the schedule much, less tackle it, then focus on being kind and gentle with yourself. Take some things off of your plate, and focus on the things that bring you joy, or that are necessary. (Sleep, food, water, and breathing - that's all that's required of you in THIS moment. The dishes can wait (and so can most everything else) until you're feeling a bit better.)
When we're trying to tackle overwhelm, we need proper nutrition.
Our bodies and brains need adequate care and adequate nutrients to ensure we can tackle all of the things that life and parenting throw at us. We need brain energy to keep up with our kiddos because they're learning so fast. We need body energy to keep up with our kiddos because they are growing like crazy. And what's more, is that they are learning and growing from us. We can provide them with examples of how to take care of themselves as they get older. By modeling positive self-care for ourselves and our kiddos we can ensure that they know how to advocate for themselves and what their body needs whether it's rest, a hug, a yummy and healthy snack, a drink of water, or anything else. I know that taking care of ourselves AND a baby can be super difficult and there are a ton of tools that can make it easier to do some of the more difficult things.
You probably already know that some foods can combat stress and overwhelm like herbal tea and dark chocolate. (Ummm, yes please!) However other research shows that carbohydrates can temporarily increase levels of serotonin, so eating whole grains and sweet potatoes which hold complex carbohydrates, fiber, and a ton of nutritional value can be helpful too. Additionally, one superfood that can come to the rescue is avocado due to its abundance of omega-3 fatty acids. (Not sure about them? Try mashing it with some of your favorite seasonings and then mixing it with chopped leafy greens and grilled chicken instead of a dressing.) Other foods that may help with stress and overwhelm are fish, nuts, and citrus fruits. Keeping some healthy snacks on hand, or choosing some of these options for dinners keeps your brain and body loaded with nutrients it needs to help you cope with the stresses of being a parent.
Childhood nutrition doesn't have to be complicated
When we're taking care of someone else, especially kiddos, it can be easy to fall into the traps of guilt and anger at ourselves and others for not being perfect all the time. I want to remind you that you are not perfect, and no one is. If we were all perfect, we'd be robots... but we aren't. We're humans - living, breathing, feeling, and experiencing life the way that it is. One place that we can experience a lot of guilt and overwhelm in our care for our children is keeping them fed with nutritionally balanced food. This can become even more amplified if any of your kiddos have allergies or sensitivities, challenges with food processing like deficiencies in certain vitamins & nutrients, or if they just really love chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. We know that depending on what day it is, every internet influencer has a different opinion on feeding your children, when, how, what, where, and so on. There are millions of articles, blogs, books, and expert opinions on what you should be doing for your child, and many of them contradict each other. We all could use a helping hand to sort through all of the information.
As mommas, we have to be able to do the right thing for our kiddos, our families, and most importantly OURSELVES. Meals and nutrition are one of those things we can't just give up on. It's a necessity for us and our kiddos. But it doesn't have to be so hard. At least not anymore. Heartful Sprout was designed by a momma to help parents take the overwhelm out of proper nutrition for their children. It helps take the guesswork out of shopping, meal planning, recipe prep, and more so that you can have healthy meals which support your babies, and your brain and body. To sign up for Heartful Sprout visit: https://app.heartfulsprout.com/register
About Stephanie Kunkel
About Stephanie Kunkel:
Stephanie Kunkel is a certified cognitive-behavioral life coach, author of Perspectives Through Broken Glass, and certified diet planner. Find her at stephaniekunkel.com